At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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