god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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