I just cut my nipple shaving
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
