i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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