They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
