This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
