Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize