I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize