Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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