You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
