I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
