Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
