Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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