If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just pee around me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
