She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
