I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
