don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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