Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
two words: eviction party
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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