after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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