I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
