I'm jealous of your bromance
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
