College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
