Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
