Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
