how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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