My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
