no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
