He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
