my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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