Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
PANTIES FOUND
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