there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
