take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
