The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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