Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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