I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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