You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
