The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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