My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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