New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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