I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
