On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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