happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
