Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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