I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
