I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
