he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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