4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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