Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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