my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
