I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize