Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
