Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
