Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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