also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
