i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Randomize