My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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