I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
