You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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