Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
