I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize