Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
