i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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