I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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