Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize